sOmeOne whO i ReSpeCt MOST.....besides my own parents
finally i decided to post up this... there many reasons for me hestiating.... and final decision is... yes i should as i know i will feel better... i know holiday will be soon over..no more emotional breakdowns.....i know i got to be strong so that i am able console and support 'him' as well as i need to brighten up 'his' days not forgetting my two best sis...but i'm utterly disappointed for those people who comments RUBBISH !!! ENOUGH of that!!!! so what of being an emotional person, can't i have my OWN rights of being sad... you can jolly well wash your own ass and F*** C*** my business and stop bullshiting saying that i'm an adult should know how to think and stop being like a kid and doubting about my sadness. if you're one of them...do you see the red cross on the top right hand corner? simple ! just point to it and click... thanks...( below are all quoted out from my diary and memories)
i have lost someone who i respect most.......i shall named him as uncle we have no ties of blood nor i have any close relationship with "him" now...but being a sense of shame, i dare to say even my own relative don't treat me so well..( i'm not comparing). though he's gone but he will be remembered by my papa, my sis and me...not long ago, last sunday(23/10) i breakdown..crying cos of some bitches...that was papa's innermost thoughts and feelings..he told me not to bothered about what others said.. he don't believe..and he said he feel sad too...he remembered uncle's moustache ( neng pia qiu-hokkien) and papa said everytime when he pass uncle money, uncle would offered papa cigerette and they would chit-chat (shocked! jiejie and me don't even know and then now i know why when papa's car kanna vandalised, uncle knew about it and i don't) and papa said he was the one who helped papa that time when uncle can choose not to...and papa said uncle is a very very good guy with sense of justice and he was the only one who papa respects and 'hock' him...
when i received the news..immediately i breakdown...(sorry jiejie..i frightened you) i couldn't accept...as the last time i saw him was a few days ago...i cried for a few hours continuously and i really wanted to go over but i knew i can't so i go over the next day... at times, when i think or flash back i cried....i do miss him...how i wish i'm able to dreamt of him, like jiejie do...seriously...i abit silly...over those weeks i couldn't sleep and i kept hoping that i would able to see or dream of uncle..i just want to say what i want to say....( sorry j-sis, if u read my blog)
flashing back.... on the very first impression uncle gave me, i remembered was on the 2nd day of chinese new year of 2001...well...fierce..strict...quiet..just like everyone's papa.. i know my first impression wasn't that good... sometimes later, the first comments i got was...i talked too loud..and disturbing his sleep...no, he wasn't the one who approached me but aunty and 'he' kanna as 'he' knew it and didn't told me about that... as the time goes by, uncle treats me good... at that time i really feel happiness as i get along well with everyone in the house... besides being loved by 'him' i feel the warmth of a family, which i had not enjoy it eversince my parents divorced. i really enjoy my stay at there... aunty is the one taking care of my meals..chatting with me..sharing with me her life experiences...two very good sis who i never regret knowing them..treat me like their own sis....helping me all the times and be available whenever i need ...
however, my fear towards uncle wasn't subside...whenever i coma till late afternoon...aunty would ask me to eat and i would say "ok"and wait and take own sweet time...but when uncle said "zhenjie, qu chi fan" or " dou ji dian liao, hai bu yao qu chi,qu chi fan" tell you, i would quickly get my butt off from sofa or where i am and have my lunch with 'him'... being with 'him' for about a year and somewhere in 2002, 'he' got into some trouble and this draws us even nearer..and of course..uncle and me...i dare to talk to uncle. i do admit that the way he treats me, not only you but me as well thinking that yes...this is some "ways" that uncle and family treat me as i'm their son, brother's gf...ashamed of myself that i only managed to figured it out only half a year later ( in 2003) when we broke off....
yes...we are no longer related anymore..but all of them still treat me as ONE...thats why i always believe in fate and karma...fate bring us together...and i really really glad and feel that i'm blessed to know everyone...i still remembered what uncle told me when i was hospitalised...what both uncle and aunty did for me when i was really depressed over the break-up... i was shocked when i first meet up with them, bb and another aunty...uncle kept telling me "zhenjie, bu yao dan xin, bu yao xiang na me duo, yao hao hao du shu, yao yao rang papa dan xin" very very first time uncle talked to me like this... really touched... once, i was being set up by someone, i cried badly...both aunty and uncle knew that..and it was near my o-level exams..and during that time, i was revising at the Mac Donald nearby but before that i went over to take my SIM card and after revision, i went up to chit-chat with them...and both of them were so cute..after they send one's respects they started to tell me what they dislike about that someone and uncle said that "da hen xiang xin niang zi, duo zai fang jian" first time heard such thing from uncle...unexpected...and the first life experience he taught me was... " zhenjie, ni tai dan chun le, ren jia kan ni hao chi, jiu hui chi ni ".. after that uncle send me home with aunty..know what they did ?? before i left their home they gave me $50 and when i reached home and intending to return the money i realised that inside my bag i had $100..i knew they would reject so i quickly left after i dropped it on aunty's lap...to my surprise while my lift door closing..aunty appeared and gave it to me... not only this... aunty and uncle won't miss my 'angbao' on every chinese new year.. uncle would pass it to papa and papa would give it to me...
i did went over to 'pai nian'.... last year i went over to pass them mooncakes..and whenever i went over to pay them visit...(this scene will stay deep in my mind) uncle would appear to be sort of 'gan chiong'..he would quickly sit up when he was lying or resting or his expression would showed it..even jiejie would feel the same way...
at times, i really really wish to go over..i LIKE to chit-chat with them but being such a sensitive person i may think that they will think i'm pestering them...so i went over once in awhile.. the first time i went over after break-up...i put on weight abit..aunty commented that i look prettier and first time uncle said that " ya.."
there was one time when uncle send me home, with only me and him, he kept telling me "you kong lai zuo zuo" and before i felt the house he said that already..and another was we talked over 'him' i know uncle cares for 'him' alot...(through the incident whereby i stayed over at 'his' home (2002) as we need to attend something the next day on the morning while i was studying for exams..i first time saw uncle so vexed and couldn't sleep at night and smoke)..so i did told uncle while he was driving...despite of repeated remainder of not saying out anything regarding the contents in 'his' letter..i told uncle not to worry..'he' knows how to think and uncle kept saying "you kong xie xin ga ta..bu yong guan ivy de"... *shocked* he knew that i'm afraid??... next, this was something i am happy..cos after sometimes, uncle asked "did i write to 'him' "and next...asked "got bf anot" and he was like smiling while asking...i sensed something.....
after 'he' got into trouble... the first visit..i went with aunty and uncle... it was a face-to-face visit..yes, the first time i saw 'him' face-to-face after almost a year... uncle picked me up at my place and again we had some chatting along the way..poor them..got to listen to my complaints...and the first time i heard uncle saying that papa is a honest guy and i have to spare a thought for him as papa was stuck in between that 'woman' and us (children)... and during the visit...me and 'him' didn't talk and aunty do some talking and uncle kept saying " hor zhenjie gong" (hokkien) to aunty.. he 's always so thoughtful and not only on this visit...is on EVERY visit even home-visit... and as i had classes to attend so i could only afford to go for televisit at there once in awhile... once i was with 'his' ah ma and uncle...after the visit uncle asked me to join them for lunch and uncle starts calling aunty and told aunty i'm going over asked aunty to get some groceries from market...*touched* everytime, uncle would start talking by asking me "zhenjie, jin tian mei you du shu meh?" .. i guess he might afraid that i'm bored or what... i ever look into the rear mirror and the car wasn't moving..i saw he was looking at me.i know he was checking whether am i sleeping if not he would talk... another time was i really fat..i put on alot of weight and 'he' said that too.. after that visit, bb, uncle and i went to have some food..i didn't want anything..and uncle bought an extra bowl of dumplings to share and first time uncle joked with me saying " chi shui jiao, bu hui fei de"... another time was, i overslept..late for that visit..i knew uncle was the one who was 'gan chiong' so i called him, told him that i overslept, asked him to go with aunty...he said he was on his way and said that he U-turn and fetched me then i think not nice and within 10 secs, my phone rang, uncle called back..asking how long i need, he was on his way to my place..5 mins enough?? good right??? all these are only all the FIRST...as i don't wish to say everything out....
going to sleep...
hoping everyone is fine in terms of health and everything
hope.that.you.feel.better.now...i.miss.you..
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